L A Blog

When I smile my eyes disappear into the quick sand of a sagging brow and over-enthusiastic cheeks. I wasn’t aware of this phenomenon (because when I smile my eyes disappear into the ….. and obviously I can’t see!) until I saw a recent photo. I avoid photos at all cost. Those who attempt to capture me digitally are usually frustrated by me leaping (unusually nimbly) from the frame – a blur of colour and chins.

Photos are confirmation that you have been misleading yourself about how you look. In fact, photos confirm that you are a compulsive liar. When I am forced into a group photo, I always attempt to hide at the back with my body blocked by the unsuspecting. I have taken to not smiling in an attempt to keep my facial features recognisable and in the place that God intended them to be. I have also begun raising my head in a haughty fashion, stretching out my chins so they don’t present on my neck like a travel pillow. Every now and then an astute photographer catches on to what I am doing. “Hey! You at the back! Give us a smile!” And have my eyes disappear and my travel pillow inflate? I don’t think so.

A couple of Christmases ago, I received a Trinny and Susannah book. In it they dedicated a whole segment to photo posing in a way that would combat disappearing eyes, travel pillow chins and unflattering limbs. Achieving these poses was akin to playing ‘Twister’. My sister and I practised each pose enthusiastically. However, the knowledge that these lessons brought has been hard to retain and apply to every day life (without someone asking you if you require medical assistance). Same sister was, only a few weeks ago, in a computer store checking out hardware. Moving to view a new computer, she was surprised to see on screen a woman with eyes quickly disappearing into facial quick sand and neck cosseted in travel pillows. The realisation that the image was her own retrieved her disappearing eyes immediately – in fact they opened quite wide!

I suppose at this time I am meant to end with a moral to the story – something about we are who we are; we judge ourselves more harshly than others; that a smile (eyes or no eyes) is a beautiful thing. My personal take on this is (a) always keep your eyes open for photographers (to do this you will have to refrain from smiling) and avoid them at every opportunity, (b) if caught in a group photo, shuffle to the back, open your eyes wide, suck in your cheeks and stretch your neck (do not, under any circumstances, smile!), and (c) once any photo is taken, wrestle the camera off the photographer and destroy any truth-telling images!

a voice at wisanow - Loren Allpress